You Dirty Rat
I remember when I was a kid, a couple of girls in my neighborhood were trying to find a home for their pet rat. I immediately fell in love with her (the rat, that is) and we took the rat to my house so I could ask my parents if I could keep her. My mom’s first reaction was to scream, then jump up and down flailing her arms like a mad woman and finally seeking higher ground as she jumped onto the couch. I thought, “Ok, that wasn’t too bad”, and I waited a couple of minutes for my mom to catch her breath, then proceeded to ask if I could have her. “NO WAY!!!”, she says. I begged and promised I would take care of it and that she would never have to see it. I’d keep it in my room and won’t let her run around the house. After I begged and pleaded and gave the sad puppy eyes, they finally said yes. I was so happy, I named my new pet, Suzanne Somers. I was obsessed with threes company (don’t judge me). *Head down in shame*. I took that rat with me everywhere I went. She would sit on my shoulder like a parrot. Sometimes she would crawl from one arm across to the other. People would stop and stare and shake their heads in disgust. I guess it was understandable, I mean, what kid in their right mind would want a rat for a pet? I told you I’m a weirdo. Anyway, the older sister and little brother came to visit with the grand folks and I was excited to show off my new pet. Of course the grand folks didn’t approve and demanded I remove it from their presence at once. I took my sister and brother to my room to let them see her better and my sister was too afraid to hold her so I put her back in her cage. Well, my sister wanted to feed Suzanne Somers and picked up a few pellets from the bottom of the cage and attempted to feed her. When Suzanne Somers refused to eat from my sister’s hand, my sister was a little disappointed. I walked over to the cage to show her how to feed her and Suzanne immediately ate from my hand. My sister tried again, she extended her hand and waited. Nothing happened. Suzanne just smelled her hand and then walked away. I was a little suspicious so I asked my sis to show me what was in her hand, she showed me and I just started cracking up laughing so hard. My sister looked at me with confusion and I had to calm myself enough to tell her that what she had in her hand was rat poop, not food pellets. She threw the poop down so fast and ran out of the room crying. Of course, I got yelled at as if I forced her to do that and I had to apologize, blah, blah, blah. It was so worth it though. The rest of the day me and my brother couldn’t help but snicker behind our sister’s back. It was too funny.
This is what Suzanne Somers looked like.