Who Am I

Life has had its ups and downs. I have had more downs than ups. I can’t help but wonder why, why is this happening to me? But, I always come up with the same answer, “Why not me?!”. Who am I, that my life should be perfect? Who am I, that I shouldn’t experience heart ache? Who am I, that I shouldn’t feel pain? Who am I, that I shouldn’t be an emotional wreck? Who do I think I am? What’s so special about me that I feel I don’t deserve everything that I have gotten in life whether it was good or bad. What makes me all holier than thou? NOTHING!! Absofreakinlutely nothing. I’m nobody. It’s not like I’ve won a Nobel prize or a Grammy award or an Emmy award or an oscar. I’ve never saved someone from a burning building or a wrecked car after an accident. Hell, at this point I can barely take care of what I got now. I’m such a mess and I feel so bad for the hubby and kids because they’re not getting all of me. A me they used to know so well and now, I barely hang out with them because I’m always in my isolation box. This has been ongoing for years, I just hide very well in plain sight. This is me, this is my life. So, again, instead of “Why me?”. The question is, “Why not me?!”

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8 Comments

  1. I don’t know if you’ve sought professional help or not. IMHO, you should. I was deeply depressed following the death of my sister. My depression had a lasting impact on my son, and I feel guilty about it. We were living in Europe at the time, where they believe in toughing it out. I asked my doctor for grief counseling and he said “you want to go to a psychologist/psychiatrist? They’re all nuts!” I self-medicated with st. John’s Wort, which helped. But so would have professional treatment, which I needed. It took me years to get out of my depression — and I didn’t get a badge for doing it. What I got was a son who turned to food — now — 14 years later — he is very overweight, and probably always will be.

    Being depressed, deeply depressed, affects the whole family.

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    • I actually sought help once I realized I wasn’t as strong as I once was and it was getting harder to hide. The treatments aren’t working like I’d hoped it would but I’m still here, so I guess it’s working the it should rather than the way I want it to. I’m sorry for the loss of your sister. It’s never easy to say goodbye to someone you love so much. Thank you for sharing.

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      • There are a lot of different treatments — talk to your doctor and tell him the one you’re on isn’t effective. Different things work for different people — you may just have to look harder.

        Thanks for your kind words about my sister. She was wonderful and also pissed me off like nobody’s business! I don’t know which part I miss most!

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      • As with all siblings, we love to hate and hate to love each other. And you’re welcome. I’m sure she knows just how much you love and miss her. Both parts. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Just Plain Ol' Vic

    My wife is bi-polar, so I understand how you feel but from the perspective of the spouse.

    First of all – your husband and your children love you for who you are, not who you feel you should be. So you need to really understand that and appreciate that. As you experience mental health issues, you should not shut them out but make them a part of your process. You need to realize that you do have support there.

    I agree 100% with Elyse that you need to have continual professional help. My wife sees her psychiatrist once a month and her primary therapist weekly. You should consult with your doctor and get some consensus as to what the best course of treatment should be.

    Most importantly, you need to accept yourself for who you are. There is no such thing as “normal.” There is no such thing as “perfect.” So don’t ever try to compare yourself to something that doesn’t exist. You are you and you are unique. Embrace everything that makes you…well YOU!

    Take care!

    Like

    • That’s so nice of you to say. I really appreciate it. I know they love me and they know I love them. They only ever see the happy me because I refuse to let them see the broken me. I prefer it that way and I don’t consider it as shutting them out, more like protecting their way of how they view me. I’d hate for them to see otherwise. Thanks again and I am glad to hear that your wife is getting the treatment she needs.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Just Plain Ol' Vic

        I respect your decisions you have made in your life. I would like to give you this perspective though: Now that I get to see all sides of my wife’s mental health issues, I have a deeper respect for her and I am more empathetic to her needs.

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      • My hubby is super supportive like yourself. Your wife is very lucky to have you as I am lucky to have my hubby. It is also helpful to hear different perspectives from others like you. I always appreciate you taking the time to read and comment, it means a lot and that’s why I blog. Thank you again.

        Like

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