Full Circle

My mind is spinning uncontrollably, I don’t know how to make it stop. I feel so dizzy, yet I’m laying in bed. Been trying for hours to go to sleep, but these thoughts won’t let me. My thoughts range from I’m thirsty to what the hell is wrong with me. Seriously, that is something I really would like the answer to. I’m depressed, I got that. Being depressed has caused my insomnia, check. Not sleeping is messing with my mind which, produces unnecessary thoughts, bingo. Boredom eventually leads to snacking, cue the self loathing. Disgust takes me back to being depressed, winner, winner, chicken dinner. It’s a full circle event. How do I break this cycle. Popping pills caused me to be a little paranoid. Doctor practically changes my meds every month because we haven’t been able to find the right combination to eliminate or semi control my symptoms. I don’t need alone time because I already isolate myself from family and the world. That just gives my mind more freedom to create a hurricane of thoughts crashing within my brain. I have tried to find a hobby that keeps me interested so I can lose myself in being expressive through my work, but I lack the focus one needs to commit to a project from start to finish. Meditating proved to be a playground for my mind to wander and explore much higher heights. It’s easier to just shove food in my mouth because it doesn’t require any skills whatsoever and seems to be somewhat satisfying until I happen to catch a glimpse in the mirror of the damage it has caused and then we’re back to self loathing, depression, insomnia, thinking, eating, etc…. It just comes back full circle. Each trip more aggressive than the one before. How many more laps must I do before I run out of breath?

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21 Comments

  1. deepbluesandseafoamgreens

    *hugs* I’m sorry you feel like this.
    We need to get to a gentle jog.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so very much. Tears are streaming down my face and I don’t have the slightest clue as to why. I really feel like running away, but I don’t know what I would be running away from. I’m all messed up. 😞 thanks for the hugs. I need them.

      Liked by 1 person

      • deepbluesandseafoamgreens

        Awh 😥 I know how you feel. Honest. It’s like everything’s crumbling down and it’s…lonely.

        But we can get better.

        I’m here if you ever want to talk.

        Liked by 1 person

      • How can this be my everyday life and I am still here. I must love this pain. There is definitely something wrong with me.

        Like

      • deepbluesandseafoamgreens

        No no no there is NOTHING wrong with you. Nothin at all.
        You are you and that is brilliant.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Some would disagree but thank you

        Like

      • And I appreciate your kindness. It’s really sweet of you. Thank you.

        Liked by 1 person

      • deepbluesandseafoamgreens

        It’s okay 🙂

        Like

  2. Oh god…. I can not meditate it only ever makes things worse. And I live in pretty much the same cycle accept I skip meals all the time instead of eating my feelings its not any better, just different. And don’t spend too much time alone okay? Try to find friends to hangout with or marathon your favorite show or blast music so loud you can’t think. It’s really hard to heal your thought process but it’ll get better *hugs* You could try the rubber band thing and snap it whenever you find yourself thinking those things?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I actually have a group of couples that the spouse and I try to spend time with, but lucky me, I have anxiety issues as well. So, I can only be out for so long before I start to have a panic attack. Aren’t I just swell. I love the music idea and the rubber band thing, I would probably take advantage of it and abuse its purpose being that I do self inflict. I am a mess. Thank you for the hugs. They are appreciated.

      Like

      • Ah I actually have the same problem with hanging out with friends but yea music is usually what works best for me. And not a problem hugs are not hard to give so stuff ^.^

        Liked by 1 person

      • Isn’t it terrible? I mean, I’d like to be able to hang out with them for more than thirty minutes before anxiety joins the party. I’m actually surprised I even have friends. Haha. Can’t go wrong with music no matter what the volume is set at. Thanks again for the hugs.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Have you had a good night’s sleep yet?

    Like

  4. I wish I could sing you a lullaby. I’m a night person, but I do like to sleep in the morning when I get a chance, which is not very often. When I was in my 40’s I’d wake up at 4am every morning (a hormone thing) and practice meditation. I decided that even if I didn’t fall back to sleep, I’d be practicing my mediation skills, without judgment of how I was doing, just practicing with a passive (whatever) attitude. It seemed like not caring whether I fell asleep or not, made it more likely I’d fall back to sleep. But even if I didn’t, I was resting my mind and body and decreasing overall stress. There are lots of ways to meditate in infinite combinations, like mindfulness, progressive muscle relaxation, guided imagery and all kinds of breathing techniques that I’m sure you’ve explored. The key for me is to not worry about whether it’s working, but just to practice with a passive attitude. And of course music works good too! Wishing blue skies and peaceful moments to you. Thanks for following “Anything is Possible.”

    Like

    • Aww, that’s so sweet. Thank you. I just don’t seem to have the patience to focus long enough for meditation. I have tried several techniques with no success. My mind had a mind of it’s own and seems to have locked me out. I have just accepted that I will sleep when my mind allows me to and for as long as it will allow me. Thank you again, and also, thank you for following my blog as well.

      Liked by 1 person

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