About To Explode

It’s so crazy to me how one person can have such dark secrets and hold them in for most of their life. I say most, because at some point, these secrets can consume your every being and suck in your soul till you just can’t take it any more and decide to end it yourself. I myself know that feeling all to well. Yes, I have even attempted on a few occasions and still to this day have contemplated the unforgivable. In my case, I just feel empty, no matter how full my life is now, I still feel a nothingness. I don’t know how to describe it, I mean, I love my family to death and wouldn’t trade them for the world. I’m talking about my spouse, kids and mom. They are my rocks if you will. They are what keeps me going, yet I still feel this way. Time does not heal all wounds, especially emotional wounds. It is a heavy burden to have to carry this with you your whole life. There is just no escaping them. I know they say talking about it will set you free in a sense, but, NO, it won’t, it doesn’t work that way, not for everything, at least not for me. Some things yes. The little bit that I have posted so far on this blog and meeting so many amazing people here and receiving and reading your comments has been a great help and release, and I appreciate you all more than you’ll ever know. My brain is literally on overload. It can explode at any given time. Hopefully continuous posting will relieve some of that pressure build up.

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7 Comments

  1. Have you tried expressing things without words? Like through art, i dont mean to draw or paint something pretty, but just to put a brush in your hand and go mad on a canvas? I feel that it helps to prevent explosions 🙂 🙂

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    • I used to draw when I was younger. I was actually really good at it and enjoyed it very much. That is until the day I found out that the donor was actually great at drawing, that was the day I began to hate drawing. I didnt want to get any of my skills from him, not his looks, his personality, even his genes. I wanted nothing to do with him and damn sure didnt want any part of him. So, I gave up drawing. 😞

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      • Can you do some other type of art? Or does all art make you think of him?

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      • Anything that has to do with drawing or painting reminds me of him. I could probably take up pottery or crafting, i mean there are a lot of different things out there. I would have to try it to see if it’s something that I could be into.

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      • I love scrapping, and making collages. It is fun, at least I think that. I also love to break colored glass and put together into a mosaic. I hope that one day, you will let go of that which attaches the donor to the art, and believe that this gift really has nothing to do with him, and that it is yours and yours alone to with what you want. But I know that that is easy for me to say, and you have to do things the way you want and when you want. I just feel sad, that your talent is going to waste because of someone who propbably dosent deserve that much space and importance in your life 🙂

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      • I agree with you. It’s sad that I gave up something I was good at because it’s a trait from someone I hate. I do however love photography. I’m not a professional by any means, but it is a great hobby and it does relax me. Thank you for your inspiring words.

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      • 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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