Dealing With My Depression
There is no way to describe these feelings I feel. I don’t how or what words to use because I don’t even know how I feel. So to try and explain it to someone else, it’s impossible. All I do know is that these feelings come and go, sometimes they linger around for days at a time, or they can last longer. It depends on what triggers it I suppose, even then, I couldn’t pin point exactly what set it off in the first place. I mean, I would have to be able to watch my whole day in like a movie form so that I could rewind, pause, forward or replay at the exact moment I notice a change in my facial and body expressions or a change in the way I speak or do things. Without that I’m not really paying attention nor am I focused on things that could possibly be a trigger for my many moods. It could be a thought, something somebody said, something I overheard, could have been something I seen or even experienced. It’s quite complicated and what makes it even more difficult for me is that because I have everything bottled up inside and don’t have anyone I can talk to, I feel like I’m drowning in my own thoughts. Family or friends don’t know what I’m going through because I’m the one with the biggest brightest smile so they don’t know to ask me what’s wrong. My spouse knows about my depression and insomnia and a few other things I go through, but not because they took an interest, it’s because as my spouse, I should be able to tell you everything. Right?!? I’ve shared some stuff but not everything because even with the little bit that I’ve shared, I don’t feel like they really know how serious this is. I know it’s hard for my spouse to understand and I don’t expect them to, but at least show more concern and I don’t mean ask me how I’m doing and be ok with me giving you an answer like, “fine or ok”. You know that’s not true. I need to feel like you really want to know and see that you are really trying to understand even though I know you won’t. Just make more of an effort, otherwise I feel like I can’t even talk to my spouse. So there is no point of even trying especially when you can’t look away from your phone long enough to look at me and see something is bothering me. But it’s ok. I’ve been dealing with this on my own for so long already, there is no need to involve anyone else. Why should I bring them down in the process of me trying to get a handle on my issues. I won’t. Not anymore. I’ve got to do this by myself for myself. Hopefully it won’t be for nothing or even worse, to late.