My How To Cope List

Well, the list just got bigger. Not only am I cutting, self harming, smoking weed, isolating myself and drinking alcohol at school. Now I’m smoking cigarettes. There was a designated area where we could smoke our cigarettes in school and I was smoking pretty heavily. I’m all messed up, yet nobody knew it. I was silently screaming for attention but no one heard because everything I did, I did mostly alone so there wasn’t anyone around to question my behavior or reasons for doing what I was doing. I would cut myself in ways that weren’t noticeable or could be easily hidden with my clothes. I chewed a ton of gum or ate lots of breath mints to hide the smell of alcohol, weed and cigarettes and I always wore the biggest smile. It’s no wonder I was able to fly under the radar. I can’t be mad that family and friends didn’t know I was suffering, they couldn’t tell. I hid my emotions, feelings, everything. Obviously they couldn’t read my mind so of course they wouldn’t have any clue to ask me, “what’s wrong”, even if someone did ask, I would just say, “nothing” or “everything is ok”. It wasn’t!!

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4 Comments

  1. Just Plain Ol' Vic

    So tough for family and friends to see what they may not understand. Tougher for you to admit that you needed help. It is worth it reaching out, no one should have to face life alone! Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

    • So true, but sometimes reaching out makes things worse because they don’t truly understand what is wrong or how to help and I feel if I reach out and don’t get close to what I was looking for then it was just a waste of time and now they know something about me that I wish they didn’t. It’s complicated, I know. But that’s my battle. I appreciate you. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Spending time to find the root of things (hurts, negative actions, feelings) has really freed me lately. Often times the roots can be found in our childhood. In my childhood I developed an addictive personality. I wanted a dopamine fix anywhere I could find it. Realizing that has really helped me make steps forward in my addictions.

    Like

    • Sounds like you’re finding your way and that is really good news. I guess, this blog is a step in helping me find my way as well. I have also felt somewhat free to express my feelings and emotions through writing and to have amazing people such as yourself read and comment on a post also chips away at this huge wall I have built around me. So, thank you for that and I wish you nothing but the best.

      Liked by 1 person

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