Feelings Without Emotions
But even those who are thick skinned still have feelings. We just learned how to hide our emotions so people wouldn’t know that what they said or did affected us the way they intended to. I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many times I cried all alone or wished for a better life or no life at all. I felt like everyone that should have loved me, didn’t even know I existed. I would try to do everything right just to be praised or get some kind of positive attention, but it would go unnoticed or I’d get a, “that’s nice”, and it was back to whatever they were doing at the time I announced it. The second I did something wrong, the whole house would just stop, water running would literally be frozen in time, (ok, maybe not to that extreme) but you get the picture right? Yeah, I’d be standing or sitting in the middle of a room and get hammered by everyone in the house. Like an assembly line, one would start, another would add there two cents and so on. Until finally the uncle whooped me and then sends me to my room, which by the way wasn’t my room at all. It was the young ones room and I was just a long term guest. So, if I wanted to be alone and locked the door, all the young one had to do was tell on me and I’d get in trouble again. No big deal, I was getting used to it by now. Sometimes, I would lock the door just to piss them off. I found, I would do lots of little things just to piss them off. I guess it kind of brought me joy. Weird ha?