“i”

Sitting here as usual thinking about nothing while everything is on my mind. I feel an emptiness within, a cold dark shell in which my soul resides. What was once hope is merely a memory of dreams wasted. Don’t know how much longer I can play this game of charades, even though I am really good. Sometimes I just want to quit and other times I just don’t have the energy to put on my happy face. I know how much it is destroying me but how much is it truly affecting my family. I don’t let them see me as sad or as if something is wrong, so they never have to question me as to what’s bothering me. When I think about it, it really makes me sad because they don’t know what I am going through so they don’t know to ask me if I’m ok. I feel alone even though I’m surrounded by my family. However, I think it’s best they don’t know because then I would have to try and explain to them what I am feeling when I myself cannot comprehend my own issues and situation. Does this make me a fake person because I am hiding behind a smile for the world to see when deep inside every part of me is crying for help, understanding, a way out, some kind of cure. Is there a cure for my condition? Will I be medicated for the rest of my life or will I be another statistic? What if I can no longer perform and decide it’s lights out. Then I will definitely leave my family with the question, “Why”? They will never understand what I myself cannot comprehend.

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